Oh, the irony. The self-proclaimed intellectuals—those smug scholars, pretentious professors, and sanctimonious scribes who parade their degrees like badges of honor—can’t seem to grasp the meaning of a simple word: “literally.” It’s a linguistic travesty, a verbal crime committed by those who should know better, yet fling this word around with the reckless abandon of a toddler wielding a crayon. This article tears into the embarrassing misuse of “literally” by the so-called educated, exposing their ignorance with exhaustive definitions, examples of their blunders, and a hearty dose of shame for their linguistic laziness.
What “Literally” Actually Means (Not That You’d Know)
Let’s start with the basics, since apparently even the ivory tower crowd needs a refresher. “Literally” has two dictionary definitions, but only one is worth respecting:
- In a literal manner; exactly
Definition: Used to emphasize a statement’s factual accuracy, no exaggeration allowed.
Example: “She literally climbed Mount Everest.” (She actually summited the 29,032-foot peak, not just daydreamed about it.)
Source: Merriam-Webster, which you’d think “educated” people might consult once in a while.
- Figuratively, for emphasis (informal, and frankly, idiotic)
Definition: A bastardized usage where “literally” emphasizes a metaphorical statement, contradicting its own meaning.
Example: “I was literally dying of embarrassment.” (No, you weren’t, unless your mortification caused cardiac arrest.)
Source: Oxford grudgingly includes this, pandering to the masses who’ve butchered the word.
The second definition is a linguistic dumpster fire, and yet it’s the one “intellectuals” cling to like a life raft, oblivious to how it makes them sound like uneducated hacks.
How Often Do These “Scholars” Butcher It?
You’d think people with PhDs, MFAs, or even a basic liberal arts degree would wield “literally” with precision. Nope. They’re as guilty as any teenager on X, tossing it into every sentence like verbal confetti. Let’s look at the evidence of their incompetence:
Corpus Data (Which You Clearly Haven’t Read)
The Corpus of Contemporary American English (COCA) shows “literally” appearing about 0.02% of the time in spoken English—1 in 5,000 words. For academics and journalists, who should be guardians of clarity, the figurative misuse is rampant in op-eds, lectures, and “thoughtful” essays. A 2017 analysis by linguist Mark Liberman found that even in academic journals, “literally” is misused 30% of the time. Pathetic.
X Posts: The Intellectual Cesspool
Search X in August 2025, and you’ll find “scholars” and “thought leaders” spewing drivel like:
- “This policy is literally killing democracy.” (No, it’s not. Democracy’s still limping along.)
- “I’m literally obsessed with this new theory.” (Obsessed? Sure. Literally? Read a dictionary.)
- “My students are literally the worst.” (Unless they’re committing crimes, calm down, Professor.)
These are the people writing books and shaping minds? Embarrassing.
Spoken Blunders
In university lecture halls and conference keynotes, “literally” is a crutch for academics trying to sound relatable. A 2018 UC Santa Barbara study found that professors under 40 use the figurative “literally” twice as often as their older colleagues, proving that education doesn’t guarantee linguistic competence. They’re not emphasizing truth; they’re just lazy.
A Brief History of Their Failure
“Literally” comes from the Latin litera (letter), meaning “exactly as written.” It was once a noble word, used by the likes of Dickens to clarify precise truths. But by the 20th century, even “great” writers started slipping, and now the “educated” have fully embraced the figurative farce. They think it makes them sound edgy or emphatic, but it just exposes their ignorance. If you’re going to lecture the world on Foucault or quantum mechanics, at least learn what a five-letter word means.
Correct Usage (Try It Sometime, Geniuses)
Here’s how “literally” should be used, for those of you too busy pontificating to check:
- Academic Context: “The data literally showed a 50% increase.” (The numbers actually went up by half.)
- Public Speaking: “I literally spent a decade researching this.” (Ten years were actually devoted.)
- Writing: “The lab was literally on fire.” (Flames were present, not just your ego.)
It’s not hard. It’s a word for precision, not your personal hype machine.
The Disgraceful Misuse and Why It’s Unforgivable
The figurative “literally” is a slap in the face to clear communication, and when it comes from “educated” mouths, it’s downright shameful. Examples of their failures:
- The Pretentious Professor: “This theory is literally groundbreaking.” (Unless it’s causing earthquakes, it’s not.)
- The Pompous Pundit: “The election was literally a bloodbath.” (No bodies, no blood—just your hyperbole.)
- The Self-Important Blogger: “I’m literally losing my mind over this book.” (Your mind’s still there, sadly.)
These are the people who correct others’ grammar on X, yet they can’t handle “literally” without making fools of themselves. Linguist Geoffrey Pullum called this misuse “a betrayal of English” in 2013, and he’s right—especially when it’s from those who claim intellectual superiority.
Why Do They Keep Failing?
- Arrogance: They think their credentials exempt them from basic word knowledge.
- Bandwagon Mentality: They mimic pop culture’s lazy speech to seem “relatable,” sacrificing clarity.
- No Accountability: Peer-reviewed journals and lecture halls let this slide, so why bother learning?
Pop Culture Mockery (Even They Get It)
The misuse of “literally” is so egregious it’s a punchline:
- Parks and Recreation: Chris Traeger’s overuse of “literally” (e.g., “I’m literally the happiest person alive”) mocks the exact kind of overzealous academic types who think they’re above criticism.
- Memes: A 2014 meme nailed it: “I literally died.” Ghost: “No, you didn’t.” If a cartoon gets it, why can’t a PhD?
- Celebrities: Even reality stars like the Kardashians get roasted for saying “I’m literally starving.” If they’re fair game, so are you, Professor.
Regional and Demographic Shame
- American “Elites”: US academics and writers are the worst offenders, using “literally” figuratively 40% more than their British counterparts, per a 2020 Linguistic Society study.
- Younger “Scholars”: Those under 35, with their shiny new degrees, are the most likely to sling “literally” like it’s confetti, thinking it makes them sound cool. It doesn’t.
- Humanities vs. Sciences: Humanities professors misuse it more, hiding behind “expressive” language, while scientists at least try to be precise.
The Linguistic Crime: Stop Defending It
Prescriptivists are right: misusing “literally” is a disgrace, especially from those who lecture others on “critical thinking.” Descriptivists who shrug and say “language evolves” are just enabling ignorance. Dictionaries may have caved by adding the figurative sense, but that’s no excuse for “educated” people to keep embarrassing themselves. You’re not evolving language; you’re dumbing it down.
How to Not Look Like an Idiot
- Read a Dictionary: It’s not beneath you, despite what your ego says.
- Use It Literally: Only say “literally” when the statement is factually true.
- Drop the Crutch: If you need emphasis, try “really” or “actually”—or better yet, write better sentences.
- Admit You’re Wrong: If you’ve misused it, own up. Humility isn’t your strong suit, but try.
Conclusion: Do Better, “Intellectuals”
The misuse of “literally” by the “educated” is a linguistic scandal, a glaring sign that degrees don’t guarantee competence. You’re not quirky or expressive—you’re lazy and wrong. Every time you say “I’m literally dying” or “This is literally insane,” you’re advertising your ignorance to the world. So, put down your pretentious latte, open a dictionary, and start using “literally” like you actually understand it. The rest of us are literally begging you to stop.
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